Thursday, November 12, 2015

Something from Inside

Hello fellow bloggers/readers!

It is Thursday night and I finally am done (for the most part) with homework for this week, so I wanted to post for the weekend. I was asked to share a little bit about something more raw, which I used to do on older blogs, but have not really gotten into a lot with Second Rebel. It's funny that she asked me for a post like this because recently I have been in a funk and I feel like I need to do some writing about it so that maybe I can figure out how to get back on track. This may be a little deeper than I was going to go, but here it is!

Many of you may not know this about me, but I have been struggling with major depressive disorder and anxiety (amongst other things for later posts) and it has been an incredible journey through. By incredible, I don't mean it was all happy and uplifting, but I mean it has been the biggest part of my life thus far. For a quick run down, I started with these feelings when I was about 14. My parents divorced which was a HUGE shock for me and especially at that age. It was like my whole world was turned upside down. I never really bounced back from that I think, although I moved on and was not consciously ever thinking about it. I went through high school battling eating disorders, depression, and drinking among other things. A lot of high schoolers go through these stages, but again, it stuck with me up until 22.

I was finally done with the "hell" that was high school and I had hope and motivation to go forward and start creating my life and finding myself. This didn't happen for me so I felt that I needed to save myself with another plan in life and joined the Air Force. Mentally, the Air Force was very challenging for me. It tested me and bent me like nothing before ever had. Eventually, I broke. I ended up going to various treatment centers and counselors trying to figure out a way that I could look at life in a more positive view. I needed to live- both literally and figuratively.

Reaching out was the hardest thing I have ever done, and those of you that have done it deserve a huge pat on the back. Trying to explain to someone that you have nothing to look forward to in life and that everyday is so hard to even make it through isn't exactly an upbeat conversation. After two years of finally getting help while in the military, I finally started to grasp onto small things that slowly (and I mean slowly) started to actually use during the rougher days. I started praying again (I refound my relationship with a higher power while in a treatment retreat), I started taking medication, I started talking to people about the thoughts I was having, I started trying to change my thinking (positive thinking was HARD), I started making my healthy relationships stronger and let the harmful ones fade, and I started reading daily affirmations. Reading daily affirmations, praying, and meditating are still huge for me, they are skills I will never let go of. They are my life lines. There are a ton of daily affirmation books around and if you get the chance, pick one up and read one everyday when you wake up. It sets a nice outlook to the day that's ahead of you. Every night, pray or think about all of the things that you are grateful for. These things sound super cliche and never in a million years did I think I would ever do these things, but it's surprising how much they have helped me.

Although I finally pulled myself out of a gigantic whole of darkness, I still battle it almost every day. Some days are harder than others and recently I have been having some of those days. I try to keep reminding myself of all of the progress, skills, and positivity that I have brought into my life and keep practicing the things that work for me every single day. I can say that this past year has been an absolute blessing compared to the years before and I could not be more thankful to every part and every person who had something to do with pulling me out of that pit. I married Connor in July of this year and he knows exactly what my demons and battles have been. He is so supportive and is always there to help put me back on track or help make my days less rough, and I couldn't be more grateful to him. Family, friends, and even sometimes a couple of professionals ;) really have made all of the difference and it's been so nice having so many people to trust.

This post was meant to share something a little more personal for all of you who may not know me too well, but it has definitely been a nice reminder to turn to the things that work for me and to not forget that just because some days I feel great and happy, doesn't mean that I don't need to keep up on the maintenance so that I don't slip and fall on the next slump day I have. Thank you for listening and please, if you have any questions, comments, maybe things that work for you when you're in a weird/down mood, email me or comment below!

xx,